bmt

so there we were. in a hotel room in nairobi. three okes with tachs. two bottles of rum flowing through our veins. a tube of deep heat nestled menacingly on the double bed. it was the most savage game of shithead ever. bmt. and a set of iron balls. cos that deep heat was going the shithead's balls. brutal.

i lost. it sure was nasty. at first it was warm and cosy. like a naked cuddle on a cold morning. then the burn came. and then the tears came. and when the burn went we put deep heat on our nipples. it wasn't hot. and then the rather unpleasant incident happened. i was bending over innocently when frank smeared deep heat down my crack and onto my nads. it definitely wasn't just a flesh wound. penetration. and this time it burned like the fires of hell. i squealed. and then i cursed. and then i felt violated. i curled up in the fetal postion in the shower and cried.

sometime after the incident there was a knock at the door. frank with his mohawk and tach combo opened it half naked. the hotel security guard. deep heat and rum burned his nostrils. some dude with long hair and a tach was sobbing uncontrollably on the bed. a bald dude with a tach was massaging his nipples with white cream. the security guard's eyes became wild and frightened. like some super straight dude who had just witnessed a gay orgy. goddamn biggot. he asked us to keep it down. we were disturbing the other guests.

we sure must have made a racket. giggling. crying. shouting. squealing. and the convo must have been class: arrgghhh... my ass is fuckin burning dude!!! you touched my balls bru!!! can't believe you stuck your finger in my naught bru!!!

disclaimer: although there is no excuse for this type of behaviour, this is africa man. it is frustrating. and we need to unwind a little sometimes. these are trying times.

chicarello

"oh harold" she sighed, stroking his hair, "you are so young. what have they taught you?" she brushed away the tears that fell down her cheeks. "yes. i cry. i cry for you. i cry for this. i cry at beauty - a sunset or a seagull. i cry when a man tortures his brother... when he repents and begs forgiveness... when forgiveness is refused... and when it is granted. one laughs. one cries. two uniquely human traits. and the main thing in life, my dear harold, is not to be afraid to be human".

- harold & maude

it's the side of the mountain

that contains life... not the top. here's where things grow.

see the easylife for pics and the story so far.

ethiopia



in 10 easy steps:

1. beer is super cheap. a big big bonus. and a huge relief after sudan. it's just not natural to spend any extended period of time sober. honeywine is also cheap. do not be fooled.
   


2. breasts are very abundant here. which is also a big bonus. you'll be sitting on a super packed bus and the young mother next to you will whip them out and start breast feeding. beware complacency though. you will zone out dreaming of a pair of firm breats (unless of course your a straight woman) and the baby will jippo all over your leg. the mom will wipe it off with her dress. the poo will have that strong sour injura smell. you will have 2 hours of the bus ride left. you will continue to gag for the full 2 hours.
   


3. the national dish of injura and lamb tibs is great. until you realise that it is the only dish. and it smells like poo. and it gives you jippos. goddamn injura and lamb tibs.
   


4. the sudan / ethiopia border crossing is the worst in the whole world ever. do not wear slops. you will lose them. wear big ass boots. and water-wings are recommended.
   


5. it is very difficult to catch a game of rugby here. even the world cup semi-final. boks vs argentina. locals look at you with blank expressions. it's rugby for god sake. it's the most important thing in the world. get with it!!!
   


6. ethiopia is the only country in africa never to have been colonised. and it shows. no infrastructure whatsoever. roads are shocking. if you can call them roads. buildings are shacks. telecommunications involve two cans and a piece of (super) long string. internet is the stuff inside your shorts used for support.
   


7. it is a little known fact that the simien mountains in northern ethiopia is the coldest place in the whole history of the world ever. even 3 litres of ouzo and naked cuddling with frank wouldn't help. not that we cuddled naked. i was only saying that if we did it wouldn't help. honestly. we're straight men. we have tach's. and cowboy hats. and frank has a whip. that he uses with great insecurity. we are straight. and we didn't cuddle naked. we considered it. it was that cold. but we didn't.
   


8. the mountain scenery is very beautiful. but we're not gay. seriously. we did not cuddle naked.
   


9. gondor is not africa's camelot or cuzco. it is, in fact, a shithole.
   


10. the 2010 ping-pong world champion will not be frank. it will be an ethiopian. you heard it here first. ping-pong is massive here. there may not be running water, or electricity, or coca-cola. but there are ping-pong tables in every village. and people ping-pong all day long. there is nothing better to do... what would you rather do? milk a cow? plough a field? pluck a chicken? hmmm... ping-pong it is then.
    


11. fuze-ball is also pretty big.
    


12. showers are cold. hot showers are cold. cold showers are cold. warm showers are cold. golden showers are cold. apparently. according to miguel anyway.
    


13. people treat pinkies like the risen messiah. folks with boils and leprosy and festering wounds come up and ask to be healed. one applies a bit of anti-septic and a plaster and sends them on their way. it's heart-breaking. but never underestimate the power of faith.
    


14. folks also tend to crowd pinkies. ten to twelve people deep. one's every move is watched. one's every word noted. one's every dollar desired. but like frank says, one gets used to it. celebrity. yup... i could do it. posh and becks. frank and dave. it could work.
    


15. ethiopia is the greenest country in the world ever. how they managed to create a famine out of such fertile land... errr... ummm... well... i'm not privy to the details.
    


16. i friggin love donkeys. so do ethiopians.

where did i go wrong
i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up
with you all night
had i known
how to save a life

the town with no name

busing through ethiopia. rural town. a town with no name. brown. dusty. innocent and ignorant. pinkies are rare sightings here. as are quality tach's. twilight. bus breaks down. flat tire. someone spots us sitting by the window. a crowd gathers. wide eyed. gaping mouths. finger pointing. 10mins. 20mins. 25mins. the crowd expands. milling around. confusion and excitement fills the air outside the bus.

the light fades. electricity is rare in these parts. minimal lighting. darkness falls over the town like one of dopey's "moods". miguel cracks a glowstick. lumo green. super lumo green. sends it hurtling out of the window into the night sky. end over end. s-l-o-w m-o-t-i-o-n.

a defeaning silence explodes over the town. all eyes fix on the glowing alien object looping through the night. the crowd parts. the glowstick thuds into the dust. green particles thrown into the air. momentary freeze. uncertainty.

someone makes a move. ruckus. diving. and kicking. and tugging. and screaming. tangled shadows wrestle on the floor. the green blinking. then darkness. silence. the glowstick zigzags away in mid-air disappearing into the night. disappointment is everywhere. loud cursing and hollering breaks out. crying. sobbing.

then gasps. the glowstick is spotted. waving from the top of the tallest building in town. two stories up. like a signal from the gods. a beacon of lost innocence. a material idol. the highest truth. the crowd rushes off to hunt the treasure down. wild eyes. crazed expressions. beasts of their own desire.

the bus pulls off. leaving one dude with twelve hours of fun. and a town with a lifetime of furious longing and heartache. and a community divided forever.

exodus

fuckin A bru. nairobi. the promised land. the land of milk and honey. of steers, and milkshakes, and full english breakfasts. of public litter bins, hot showers, and sit-down toilets. of internet. of you and me and christina aguileria in the hot tub... all night long. quality.

i am sorry to report that ethiopia was not all rainbows and butterflies. in fact it was a bit of a backward hell-hole. super backward. so backward some small towns don't have coca-cola. so backward some folks haven't even heard of the mighty spurs. so backward... err... um... just believe me man, it's real backward. and the fuckin lamb tibs had me farting, and burping, and shitting, and vomiting all over the show. goddamn jippos. was guarenteed to get them after i lost my jippo-juice in the incident.

i'm hitching a ride

out of this no good town

on the bright side my tach is coming on leaps and bounds!!! had to use a bit of colour though. henne. it was too blonde. slight ginger tinge now. quality. frank's tach, however, is ailing. it took a backward step when he went to the barber the other day. even the natural ginger wisps couldn't restore credibility.

gonna try catch the rugby tonight. believe it or not... the rugby is huge here. the promised land. and then gonna try pick up some righteous american un aid slappers and hit the town. we can only hope.

and i wonder what they're saying

if we get lucky babe

and i wonder what they're saying

if we go all the way

shame about lucky dube. respect.

sudan

in 10 easy steps:

1. alcohol is illegal. beer does not exist. it is just a concept. nothing physical. prepare to be sober.
   


2. ramadan is a bad time to visit sudan. religious tolerance is not big on the sudanese agenda. if they fast. you fast. end of. fuckin bigots.
   


3. donkeys are still a viable means of transport. god i love donkeys. my favourite animal. heeeehawwww.
   


4. homosexuality is punishable by death. apparently. for 3 boys trapping round with tach's and cowboy hats and calling each other "pumpkin" / "sweetpea" / "buttercup" it mean't we were skating on thin ice.
   


5. khartoum (the capital) is not the built-up, ultra-modern, megatropolis with kfc's that people would have you believe. it is, in fact, a shithole.
   


6. people wearing vests and / or shorts are frowned upon. they are assumed to be mad. it is okay if you are a foreigner though. people know you're crazy already - who the fuck would visit sudan?
   


7. you need a permit for taking pictures. otherwise they will hunt you down and destroy your camera. trust me. i know. they mowed my camera down at night. with a lawn-mower. vicious. there were bits of my camera strewn all over the lawn. half a lense. a bit of memory card. a fragment of casing. it sure was nasty. brutal. fuckin savages.
   


8. the blue nile is brown. the white nile is green. the colour where they join is murkyish. definitely worth missing.
   


9. when it starts raining and the taxi driver takes your pack off the roof and tries to shove it through the window but you say that it is okay on top because the taxi is super-sardine-packed already, make sure that he reattaches it to the top with rope. otherwise it will fly off at 100kph, bounce across the road, and land in a deep muddy puddle. the bag will rip and the jippo juice will break and leak over everything in you bag. you will get jippos the very next week. it will not be pleasant.
   


10. the sudanese folks are the friendliest and most generous people in the world ever. nobody wants anything from you other than easy conversation. they will offer you tea at every opportunity. and go out of their way to help you. they obviously haven't been exposed to the highest western truth of the "me, mine, my" philosophy yet.

sing

i just kind of died for you
you just kind of stared at me