ethiopia



in 10 easy steps:

1. beer is super cheap. a big big bonus. and a huge relief after sudan. it's just not natural to spend any extended period of time sober. honeywine is also cheap. do not be fooled.
   


2. breasts are very abundant here. which is also a big bonus. you'll be sitting on a super packed bus and the young mother next to you will whip them out and start breast feeding. beware complacency though. you will zone out dreaming of a pair of firm breats (unless of course your a straight woman) and the baby will jippo all over your leg. the mom will wipe it off with her dress. the poo will have that strong sour injura smell. you will have 2 hours of the bus ride left. you will continue to gag for the full 2 hours.
   


3. the national dish of injura and lamb tibs is great. until you realise that it is the only dish. and it smells like poo. and it gives you jippos. goddamn injura and lamb tibs.
   


4. the sudan / ethiopia border crossing is the worst in the whole world ever. do not wear slops. you will lose them. wear big ass boots. and water-wings are recommended.
   


5. it is very difficult to catch a game of rugby here. even the world cup semi-final. boks vs argentina. locals look at you with blank expressions. it's rugby for god sake. it's the most important thing in the world. get with it!!!
   


6. ethiopia is the only country in africa never to have been colonised. and it shows. no infrastructure whatsoever. roads are shocking. if you can call them roads. buildings are shacks. telecommunications involve two cans and a piece of (super) long string. internet is the stuff inside your shorts used for support.
   


7. it is a little known fact that the simien mountains in northern ethiopia is the coldest place in the whole history of the world ever. even 3 litres of ouzo and naked cuddling with frank wouldn't help. not that we cuddled naked. i was only saying that if we did it wouldn't help. honestly. we're straight men. we have tach's. and cowboy hats. and frank has a whip. that he uses with great insecurity. we are straight. and we didn't cuddle naked. we considered it. it was that cold. but we didn't.
   


8. the mountain scenery is very beautiful. but we're not gay. seriously. we did not cuddle naked.
   


9. gondor is not africa's camelot or cuzco. it is, in fact, a shithole.
   


10. the 2010 ping-pong world champion will not be frank. it will be an ethiopian. you heard it here first. ping-pong is massive here. there may not be running water, or electricity, or coca-cola. but there are ping-pong tables in every village. and people ping-pong all day long. there is nothing better to do... what would you rather do? milk a cow? plough a field? pluck a chicken? hmmm... ping-pong it is then.
    


11. fuze-ball is also pretty big.
    


12. showers are cold. hot showers are cold. cold showers are cold. warm showers are cold. golden showers are cold. apparently. according to miguel anyway.
    


13. people treat pinkies like the risen messiah. folks with boils and leprosy and festering wounds come up and ask to be healed. one applies a bit of anti-septic and a plaster and sends them on their way. it's heart-breaking. but never underestimate the power of faith.
    


14. folks also tend to crowd pinkies. ten to twelve people deep. one's every move is watched. one's every word noted. one's every dollar desired. but like frank says, one gets used to it. celebrity. yup... i could do it. posh and becks. frank and dave. it could work.
    


15. ethiopia is the greenest country in the world ever. how they managed to create a famine out of such fertile land... errr... ummm... well... i'm not privy to the details.
    


16. i friggin love donkeys. so do ethiopians.

where did i go wrong
i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up
with you all night
had i known
how to save a life