what happened to straight wiggy? (28th - 30th july 06)

we went to cardiff for the weekend. cardiff sure is a strange city. it is welsh afterall. i had been pre-warned about the dodgy welsh folk... according to legend, when the julius ceaser invaded the uk in 55bc, all the indigenious tribes moved to wales on the western part of the island. they barracaded themselves in for protection and have been inbreeding ever since. not surprisingly, 2000 odd years later, the incest has taken it's toll and resulted in some really weird looking people.

not only are there strange people in wales, but strange happenings and circumastances seem to be a way of life... and we encountered our fair share of unsolvable (is that a word?) mysteries over the weekend. here they are (in no particular order):

1. frank and the chicken burger

frank on monday, "if anyone can help me remember why i bought a chicken burger on saturday night, how it ended up on the floor, how i ended up with daves key card for his hotel room, please let me know. porto, please help."

to which porto responded, "daves key??? no idea... chicken burger - you said you never buy chicken burger after you bought it... you then said - you bought it for dopey or dopey wanted it... - yet dopey had gone off with ryan a while back...?!?!!! you then wanted to put it on the floor outside the shop and said - someone will eat it... ??!!??!!! then i told you to pick it up and to go back to hotel - u mumbled something... that is pretty much what i recall... (side point - on our way back to hotel we must have seen some 8 limo's picking people up). chicken burger on the floor - you got a fright when dopey opened his room door... does that help?"

hmmm... as per frank... how embarrassing.


2. what happened to straight wiggy?

the white shoes, the white shorts, the white shirt, the skwiff blue-tinted tennis hat, the big shiny glasses, and the highlighted spikey blonde hair... wiggy rocked up in the hotel foyer on saturday morning looking like the queen of the chav's...


3. paulo wandering the staircase

i stumbled back into the hotel on sunday morning at about 4.30am after cruising to some dodgy dance club with wiggy and miguel. the others had all left and gone home at about 2am when the walkabout closed. i was hauling myself up the stairs when i bumped into paulo on his way down. i was like, hey what's up? he was like, not much. i asked him what he was doing wandering the staircase at this time in the morning. he said he couldn't find frank's room (fully 2hrs after he left the club). i asked him what he had been doing. he said, dunno. didn't think much more of it that night, and invited him to sleep on our floor. he did. i have to say that his aimless, drunken wandering in the staircase in the early hours of the morning continued to puzzle me for weeks. mental note to self... never let girlfriend / wife / daughters take the stairs in a hotel after midnight.


4. where are the welsh gingers?

we did not see one ginger bird in wales... apparently, due to the inbreeding, the specific ginger gene has been out-bred (sure am making up some awesome new words today) and replaced by a new strawberry blonde gene. this particular gene makes ladies very attractive... especially when drunk (you.. not the strawberry blonde).

5. what does cardiff bay look like?

if you get to see cardiff bay, you haven't partied hard enough on the weekend.

6. is it the welsh beer?

when fetching a rugby ball from the cliff-face-like canal edge, why remove shoes, socks, phone, wallet and passport and hand it to your mate who then charges down the steep embankment straight into the water to reclaim the ball... hmmm... it's the welsh beer i tell you!!!

7. is wales really 1.15hrs behind england?

8. when was the last time there were 3 portos in cardiff?

9. why do welsh birds go crazy for dodgy pink hats?


10. where the hell were all the sheep?

an alcohol feuled man gets desparate going home at 4am in the morning empty handed. we had heard about the prize-winning, home-grown, free-range sheep in wales and heard that there were plenty of them... "around every corner" was the phrase. and after seeing the best of what the welsh female population had to offer, we thought it would be best to take our chances with the sheep. just one question... where the hell were the goddamn fluffy white bastards???

Other than that we drank beer and partied...