war of the words

i was having a few beers with wiggy a few saturday's ago and he expressed his disgust hobson's supposed intellectual supremacy. it became nasty, a few insults started flying around, and wiggy ended up challenging hobson to a bout vocab boxing.

so here we have it - the "war of the words"... a contest so brutal and blood-thirsty, we have not seen the likes of it since the "thrilla in manila" or the "rumble in the jungle" nearly forty years ago.

rules:

both contestants have submitted a word. neither knows what the other has submitted. i will be sole judge... because it's my website and i said so (and i'm a bit egotistical). the bout will consist of nine rounds... with a 10 point scoring system and the usual 8 standing count. points are awarded for clean, solid blows to the opponent's vocabluary (no swearing allowed), with hits to the voicebox being especially valuable. victory may also be achieved if the opponent is rendered silent and unable to communicate before the referee counts to ten (this is known as a knock-out).

the contestants:

in the red corner, sporting a £450 ralph lauren coat and designer blonde highlights... born in toti and educated at kingsway... his vocal skills honed in potch... please welcome... from the coldest place in the world... the challenger... rory "wiggy" withfield!!!

in the blue corner, wearing some dodgy old shit... hailing from westville and having spent time mastering his intellect in dallas, texas... known as the "chiltern park enlightened one"... please welcome... the reigning heavy word champion of the world... the walking dictionary... mr grant "hobnob" hobson!!!



round 1 (the word):


wiggy comes out of the corner super fast and immediately delivers "xenophobia". hobson takes a step back, a little surprised by his opponent's vocab power... he's a bit of an unknown quantity is wiggy... and he sure does look up for the challenge. hobson, the experienced pro that he is, regains his composure and counters with "pontificate".

score 9 - 9

round 2 (meaning):

wiggy again comes out firing, "xenophobia denotes a phobic attitude toward strangers or of the unknown". sure does look like wiggy has done his homework... all those hard hours in the library are paying off. hobson on the defensive now, trying his best to escape the barrage of slick-tongued attacks, "pontificate - to express opinions or judgments in a dogmatic way". looks like wiggy took that round, i would be surprised if any of the armchair fans out there scored it differently.

score 10 - 9 (wiggy)

round 3 (orgin):

hobson, obviously realising he is a fight now, storms out unleashing a string of verbal body-shots, "the word is derived from the latin word pontifex, which literally means bridge-maker. it could therefore be construed to mean a bridge between god and humanity". wiggy, not willing to concede an inch, finshes the round strongly, and fires back with "it comes from the greek words xenos, meaning foreigner or stranger, and phobos, meaning fear".

score 10 - 9 (wiggy)

round 4 (length of the word):

the bout has settled down a bit now, and hobson using all his experience to get back into the match notes that his word contains 11 letters to wiggy's 10. no denying then that it is hobson's round. is the tide about to change?

score 10 - 9 (hobson)

round 5 (scrabble score):

it's getting vicious now... both linguists are scrapping to secure that vital edge. pontificate 18. xenophobia 24. hobson hits the canvas and goes down for the 8 count. that blow has visibly rocked hobson. is this the end?

score 10 - 8 (wiggy)

round 6 (frequency of use):

wiggy is unable to follow that massive blow up. according to recent statistics, pontificate is the 1,047th least popular word in the english language and is used approximately 453 times each day worldwide. xenophobia is the 17,561st least popular word and is used 3287 times each day. what a jaw-dropping blow... that sure has knocked the wind out of wiggy's lungs... he's beginning to look ragged.

score 10 - 8 (hobson)

round 7 (context):

hobson sensing weakness for the first time in the bout goes for the dialectual jugular... putting on his best colonial accent, he muses: "the new professor always pontificates". hmmm... okay then. simple but effective. it seems to work. it appears as if that line was a like a dagger to wiggy's voicebox... he stutters: "xen... xeno... xenophobia... is... is... is a greek word..." he trails off, stumbling around, trying to pull words out of his subconscious to use it the context of a sentence. the bell goes... what a round for hobson. he can sense victory!!!

score 10 - 8 (hobson)

round 8 (ryhme):

looks like wiggy may be suffering from a severe case of stupidity... he's dribbling and mumbling, "xenophobia... he's a yiddo!!!" what??? wiggy sure must be hurt. hobson goes in for the kill, "mate... don't pontificate... it only causes hate... and that puts more on your plate... let's make a date... to go to the fate... but wait... it's not too late... james brown is in town... quarter pounder with cheese and choc fries with that please"... looks like hobson's mental condition hasn't escaped unscathed from the beating he took in the earlier rounds... but he's managed to ryhme his word and it's enough to send wiggy to his knees. the count starts... and looks like wiggy's battling to make it... ding ding... and he's saved by the bell!!!

score 10 - 8 (hobson)

round 9 (???)

seeing the condition of wiggy's left frontal lobe (the linguistic part of the brain) and his inability to communicate in any normal way, maite (wiggy's trainer) tells him that she is going to stop the contest before he goes out for the last round. "i want him boss", wiggy shouts. "it's all over. no one will forget what you did here today", she replies and throws in the towel.

hobson, jumps up and punches the air in delight... and then collapses like a sobbing baby on the floor. what a wonderful bout it has been. wiggy, barely conscious, staggers over to hobson and congratulates him. they both pass out. the brutal nature if the bout means wiggy needs to go back to the first year of primary school to relearn the basic english language (the cat sat on the mat, etc). hobson meanwhile is cared for by elaine in yet another vocab camp. guess that's the end of hobson's word of the week for a while.