the 1998 chick challenge

i got back to sa last friday after a two-and-a-half-year exile. during my absence, my folks decided to move house and packed all my stuff into four huge cardboard boxes. upon my return, these boxes stood unpacked in the spare room. not wishing to let me chill, my mom demanded that i go through the boxes and chuck out any junk.

whilst wading through old football annuals, spurs newspaper cuttings, scope magazines, kurt cobain memorabilia, old payslips (R2750/mth in 2000), and ex-girlfriends' underwear, i came across a loose piece of paper that brought memories of my varsity days flooding back. the piece of paper was titled "the 1998 chick challenge"...

sometime in early 1998 (prob around late feb)... myself, caide, and anri were sitting through lecture after viciously boring lecture at varsity. we were cool. we were too cool to be popular. to cool to be in the "in crowd". we were cool outcasts. we didn't mix with biggs or pearce or grainger or tarr. they were scared of us. scared that we may pull their chicks. we weren't jocks. we weren't boffins. we were just cool.

we were also on the rebound. i had been given the elbow by carla (dumb dutchman b*tch - i'm still bitter). caide had just broken up with angela... she had messed him around. cara was off overseas and anri was sulking. we decided to get revenge on women... and we came up with the chick challenge. suddenly life was exciting again. we drew up the rules. typed up a formal copy. shook hands. and uttered the immortal words, "let the best man win"...

for some reason, just before the competition started, anri pulled out (of the competition). i think him and cara may have got back together or something... i'm not sure... but it ended up being me vs caide. the rules (as per the original typed list) were as follows:

the rules of the competition: (re-drafted thanks to anri)

a) the contenders in this competition are caide oxland and david winch and they do hereby swear to abide by the following rules.

1) the person who scores the most females by midnight on the 30th decemeber 1998 will be entitled to a bottle of alcohol of his choice up to the value of R50-00.

2) scoring a female (or the same female more than once will only count as 1 score) and 1 beer will be awarded.

3) in the event of being with the same female for more than a month without scoring any other female will result in the offender to pay the penalty of a six pack.

4) at the time of the action there must be at least one reliable witness.

5) in the event of cheating the offender will be required to provide the other contender with a six pack to restore the faith.

6) the minimum number of girls to be scored is 10.

7) if one succeeds to do the ultimate deed, then he will be rewarded with a create of beers.

8) if you wish to pull out of the competition, you will have to provide the other contender with a bottle of his choice.

9) scooping a female from the other contender is allowed.

10) less than a 2 on the babe scale will be a fee of one beer but will still be counted as a score.

11) more than an 8 on the babe scale will result in a extra beer been awarded.

12) seconds and thirds still count as a normal score.

13) more than a grab will result in a reward of 3 beers.

14) if in one night more than 3 females are scored a six pack is awarded.

15) the awarded beers are due at the end of each month.

for the record:

caide ultimately won the contest... i started off well, pretending it was my birthday on the first night and scoring 6 girls at crowded house in pinetown. caide rocked up at varsity on monday with a big smile face having scored 1 bird at crash - he sure did get a shock. but things would quickley change...

some weeks later, caide was spotted at crash and soon became one of the most popular models on the durban scene. mixing in celebrity circles, appearing on catwalks, and having photoshoots published in magazines such as you and... errr... well... other glossy magazines, he became hot property amongst the ladies and never seemed to have a drought. he was consistent... one girl every time he went out.

i, by comparison, soon started to struggle. once the euphoria of my first weekend wore off, i just couldn't perform. my stock line of, "it's my birthday... how's about a kiss" got tired after about the 3rd week when the girls cottoned on. i tried boozing more... but to no avail. i was sketchy... picking up the odd straggler here and there, whilst caide marched on with chelsea-like efficiency. i battled in vain to keep up, but just couldn't do it.

by august the score was something like:

caide 43 dave 26

around this time i had met one of my sister's mates, taryn. she was sexy as, and i was super keen. i was with her for a few weeks and before i knew it, i had breached the 1 month rule (rule #3) and incurred a six pack penalty. i decided to call it a day... i dug deep into my savings and invoked the get out clause - a bottle of caide's choice (think it was a bottle of sambucca ice (?) - the light blue one with crystals in the bottom - it inflicts a cool burn on your mouth when you breathe deeply after taking a sip).

looking back, i probably should have held on as caide met a girl soon afterwards and i may have been able to force his hand for the draw. losing to caide however, was no disgrace - he was an awesome dude, super chilled and mellow, a typical surfer dan, a babe-magnet if there ever was one.

i was lucky to have had the priviledge of being able to compete in such a prestigious competion. and, if anything, it taught me one valuable lesson about scoring young chicks:

young chicks are very superficial and only care about media exposure and the size of good old mr bojangles. money, looks, cars, ego, all the things that really matter, don't count to them. given that i had very little access to mainstream airwaves at the time and mr bojangles was still a growing teenager, i was always doomed to lose.

goddamn those shallow young chicks.